Speakers Block

For those of you who know me you know that I have this love/hate relationship with public speaking: I love actually doing it but hate the stress of preparing. Last home assignment was a lesson to me in learning to rely on the Lord rather than upon my own strength, because no matter how much I'd prayed, prepared, processed and prepped, I was still at a loss in how what to put together and in what to talk about. The outlines elluded me even though I had notebooks full of attempts. (Perhaps I shouldn't confess that here, but honestly it's the truth and was a definite learning/trusting experience for me.)

God was so very gracious to me, though, in that He always came through for me and the speaking and stories flowed and were uniquely suited to each situation... even though sometimes the words didn't come until I'd have the mike in-hand and opened my mouth to speak. (um... if you're one of the pastor's, please pretend you didn't read that.)

He used all the preparation I'd done but in His way not mine. It was really neat to see the themes that developed and the stories from the Balkans and my life that He reminded me of as I relied on Him... He was so strong when I felt so weak. Frankly, if what I said was interesting, informative or a blessing or challenge to anyone I can firmly pronounce that it was the Lord who did it.

At this intensive conference I'm at, we've been delving deeper into the vast wellspring that is God's word than I ever could have imagined was even possible. And I've been seeing in more in-depth examples on how Jesus used the everyday to teach the disciples as well as the masses. In the feeding of the 5000 when the disciples mentioned sending the crowds away so that they could find food, Jesus responded with "you feed them." When they fussed over the cost Jesus asked what they had and they produced the loaves and fish. Jesus then took what they were able to provide and produced a miracle.

So, what does all this have to do with my current "Speakers Block?" Well, I'm faced with having to prepare two talks tonight for tomorrows sessions: a 3-minute talk on anything and a 20-minute devotional on Psalm 36. As is usual my stomach has been turned all into knots over it. I've been mulling-over, praying and studying the Psalm for a week now, yet still feel the nervousness of giving a devotional in front of a bunch of amazingly gifted ladies. As far as the 3-minute talk I've not a clue what to talk about.

Yet I'm reminded of the lessons that the Lord taught me last year with regards to speaking on tour. As I learned to rely on the Lord I learned also to stop comparing myself to others and instead to come to Him with what I had/have (what He's given) and let Him use it for His glory. There is a peace in this truth for me as I prepare for the talk and the devotion for tomorrow... that I don't have to try to be something or someone that I'm not, but instead to just be me: the woman He's created me to be. For some that may be an unsatisfactory conclusion to this narrative, but for me it's quite a bit freeing. Now, off to write those outlines!

Thank you for praying.